A Recipe with all the Wrong Ingredients
2/5
Spoilers
Recently, I had been beginning to worry that I was losing my critical eye. It seemed that every film I watched and reviewed was somewhat decent. Had lockdown softened me? Was I so starved of cinema that all mistakes were forgiven, all errors of judgement condoned? As an opinionated person, what had happened to the rolling vitriolic monologues that spewed out of my mouth for weeks and weeks after seeing a 'bad film'?
The concern was ebbing away at my self confidence. This week was a final test of what had happened. We were going to go see a film which had received a critical drubbing, a film that was a sequel to a predecessor I had been incredibly disparaging about. If this turned into another 3/5 scenario, I knew the game would be up.
With many prayers of thanks, I am happy to report that my critical facilities are still in full working order. We went and watched Hitman's Wife's Bodyguard and, dear readers, it was pretty bad. Not so bad as to drop to a catastrophic 1/5, like Arthur: Legend of the Sword or Kong: Skull Island, but bad enough. When judging the film against its goals, it fails on most counts.
Aside from Deadpool 2, I am less and less convinced that Ryan Reynolds can marry his acting style against a successful film. This is not to say that Reynolds is bad, I think he is a very specifically talented actor, but writers and directors don't seem to 'get' how that talent matches their movie. He consistently plays himself in films; I cannot think of an example where this is not the case. He always carries his deadpan, Airplane-esque sense of comedy with him. In Deadpool 2, the fourth-wall breaking ridiculous-fest perfectly allows him space to show how good he is in a safe space. Yet, in most of his films, the deadpanning sticks out like a sore thumb.
This movie is a perfect example. There are few actual jokes in the script. Samuel L. Jackson, funny in normal films, often just laughs loudly and swears more that usual, hoping this works as a comedic turn. The effect is less than amusing and completely undermines Reynolds' comedic style. The villain, Antonio Banderas playing a nefarious Greek businessman (obviously), is very serious. His plot is to destroy parts of Europe through a virus in the internet or electricity (or something not fully explained) in revenge for the E.U. placing crippling sanctions on Greece. A very dry premise with some depth that, again, flies in Reynolds' pouty face. The only thing more jarring would be Reynolds facing up against a war criminal charged with genocide (thanks, The Hitman's Bodyguard). Throw in a massively over-acting Selma Hayek and you have an awkward 2 hours of mismatched ideas.
It did feel like there was a good film lurking somewhere beneath the surface, but it would have required a completely different writer, director, and cast to get at it. Perhaps if Jackson had been instructed to play it straight, as a callous and impatient hitman. Perhaps if Salma Hayek had been given jokes rather than an instruction to just 'be crazy'. Perhaps if Banderas had been written more as a Bond-villain than Grecian financial avenger. Perhaps if they had just not bothered to make the film at all.
Setting aside the incongruous nature of Reynolds and the so-called 'comedy' in this movie, it didn't entirely work as an action film either. There were some fun moments, such as Jackson swinging a mace into a goon's head, or Jackson and Reynolds shooting some guards on water-plinths. But mostly, there was a lot of shooting at the lead trio, with them hiding, before hoping in a car. Even the final fight became a confusing mess, switching between three pairs engaged in muddled and repetitive combat. I think the car-chase through 'Coventry' (definitely not London, no no no, Coventry is 100% a modern, skyscraper city) of the first film packed more excitement in than all of the action sequences of this movie combined.
One of the joys of the going to the cinema weekly is that you get to see lots of good films. These good films are made all the more enjoyable in contrast to a bad week. It is hard to see the full skill in a film like The Father if all you have seen is a diet of Oscar worthy pics. To eat the juicy steak, you have to ear some salad too. Or something like that. I can only thank the makers of Hitman's Wife's Bodyguard for giving us a break from such good films and resetting my critical calibration. In that respect, you fulfil one function successfully.
The Hitman's Wife's Bodyguard, 2021
Director: Patrick Hughes
Writers: Tom O'Connor, Brandon Murphy, & Phillip Murphy
Composer: Atli Örvarsson
Starring: Ryan Reynolds, Samuel L. Jackson, Salma Hayek, Antonio Banderas, Morgan Freeman, & Frank Grillo
Currently showing in U.K. Cinemas
Comments